The 12 Things of Speech & Debate: A Carol for Any Season

by Penny Harris, Canton Central Catholic HS (CAN)

Because we all need a little humor at this point in the season, here is a parody of Bob Rivers’s “12 Pains of Christmas” lyrics.

The first thing of Speech and Debate that’s such a pain to me
Is finding a way to pay fees.
The second thing of Speech and Debate that’s such a pain to me:
Reading all these cases
And finding a way to pay fees.
The third thing of Speech and Debate that’s such a pain to me:
Fundraising;
Reading all these cases;
And finding a way to pay fees.
The fourth thing of Speech and Debate that’s such a pain to me:
Sending bus-requests;
Fundraising;
Reading all these cases;
And finding a way to pay fees.
The fifth thing of Speech and Debate that’s such a pain to me:
Finding good judges!
Sending bus-requests;
Fundraising;
Reading all these cases;
And finding a way to pay fees.
The sixth thing of Speech and Debate that’s such a pain to me:
Kids changing cuttings;
Finding good Judges!
I hate filling out bus-requests!
Fundraising;
Reading all these cases!
And finding a way to pay fees.
The seventh thing of Speech and Debate that’s such a pain to me:
Drops;
Kids changing cuttings;
Finding good Judges!
Sending bus-requests;
Oh, geez, fundraising!
I’m tryin’ to read all these cases!
And finding a way to pay fees.
The eighth thing of Speech and Debate that such a pain to me:
Ballots disappearing!
Drops;
And what’cha mean “it’s a bad cutting”?
Finding good judges!
Oh, sending these bus-requests…
Fundraising, huh?
What, we have no evidence?!
And finding a way to pay fees.
The ninth thing of Speech and Debate that’s such a pain to me:
School Internet-Security;
“Coach, where is my ballot?!”
Drops;
Kids changing cuttings;
Finding good judges;
Writing out those bus-requests;
Fundraising;
Now, why the heck are there no blocks?!
And finding a way to pay fees.
The tenth thing of Speech and Debate that’s such a pain to me:
Kids aimlessly wandering;
Kicked off the internet;
Ballots disappearing!
Drops!
Kids changing cuttings;
Finding good judges;
Yo-Ho, sending bus-requests!
Fundraising!
One contention goes out, they all go out!
And finding a way to pay fees.
The eleventh thing of Speech and Debate that’s such a pain to me:
Overnight trips;
Are they in the bathroom?
Did they really block SpeechWire(TM)?
“BALLOTS?!?”
Drops;
Fine, cut something yourself, for once!
Finding good judges;
Oh, I don’t even know if we HAVE buses….
I’ll just donate the money myself!
Get on the computer—new evidence just rolled in!
And finding a way to pay fees.
The twelfth thing of Speech and Debate that’s such a pain to me:
New rules from OSDA;
I’m never staying at this hotel again!
Were they actually ON the bus this morning?
“No internet access?!! Somebody call Ben!”
“Where are my BALLOTS?!?”
Drops;
Gotta make ’em a new cutting;
Finding good judges;
Look, we’ll just have to carpool! Yes, we’re still going!
Not… another… bake sale….
Fine! You’re so smart, you fix your own case!
And finding a way to pay fees.

[Editor’s Note: We hope you’ve had a happy holiday season, and may 2019 bring you great success and joy (and not too much pain!).]